Counsel: "Advice, opinion; one who gives advice" ~ Webster's Dictionary. I agree with this definition given by Mr. Webster, however when you take this as a definition of a counselor it is missing one important thing; you'll see what's missing in a few moments.
What picture does your mind conjure when you hear the word "counseling"? Maybe it's a group setting...a plush office...or perhaps a small room on a hospital ward. To me the word doesn't bring a picture as much as it brings a feeling...panic. You see, as a domestic violence survivor any setting in which I had to open up and share the things that broke me caused anxiety and panic.
Domestic abuse is shrouded in secrecy. The complex world in which the victim lives is orchastrated by a code of silence. It's that silence that breeds the violence but it also serves as a survival mechanism for the victim, not a good one, but one that is instinctively practiced. Counseling shatters that survival instinct that they depend on to exist. They need to find the courage to break that silence for the healing to begin.
There are many forms of help available under the guise of counseling. I'm only able to talk about the ones that I experienced over the past few years on my journey of healing. What I found helpful might not be what another would, please understand that I'm not discrediting any person or method.
The first person I had interaction with was my Pastor. I found him extremely hard to talk with, but it was me not him. One of the ways that I was abused for years was with "Spiritual Abuse". My husband would scare me into submission by fire & brimstone punishment from God. At times he would threaten me with going to the Pastor to "tell on me". To open up about rape, physical and sexual abuse to a Pastor, and a man, was one of the hardest things that I had ever done. After a few minutes I would emotionally shut down, which really doesn't aid in a counseling session! My Pastor is a wonderful Christian man who more then anything wanted to help me, and even though more then anything I wanted and needed to open up, it just wasn't working.
After a few months of trying to help myself...which didn't go very well...I finally found the courage to go to a Woman's Crisis Center and speak to a female counselor there. That went a little better and I was able to open up a little more with her. It was through her that I was diagnosed with PTSD and was given some good treatment options. She did refer me to a hospital psychiatrist, but that didn't go well. In a hospital setting which was on the Psych outpatient ward caused me terrible anxiety. I only went there once.
Do you want to know who helped me the most in those first few months? My best friend. She is not a Pastor, counselor or doctor of any kind, just a loving friend who would let me talk, rage, vent or cry as needed. She listened. I believe that sometimes people think they are not helping if they can't give you solutions to a problem. Truthfully more people need to learn how to just listen.
There were many times I needed to talk. I needed to be able to vocalize the terrible things that had been done to me. I wasn't looking for answers. I needed to purge my soul of the hell I had been forced to endure for years. I was frantic for a listening ear and loving heart. I also needed to be believed. One of the hardest things for a victim in breaking their silence is the overwhelming fear of not being believed. My friend couldn't give me clinical statistics or coping strategies...she gave me instead what I needed, a "sounding board" with a hug thrown in once in a while! When I had worked my way through this stage I found I was able to incorporate the suggestions of my Pastor and the counselor to greater success.
If you are a counselor, may I suggest that you allow the victim to just talk. It might take many sessions of listening to venting, raging and crying, but in so doing you are giving them a priceless gift. You are showing them through your actions that they have worth and value, something that abuse strips them of. You are telling them that what they say is important and deserves to be heard. Also let them know you believe them. My biggest fear was that no one would believe me. Of course being able to point them to the greatest Healer of broken hearts and souls, the Lord, is the ultimate thing you can do for them. True and final healing can come only through the Great Physician.
What picture does your mind conjure when you hear the word "counseling"? Maybe it's a group setting...a plush office...or perhaps a small room on a hospital ward. To me the word doesn't bring a picture as much as it brings a feeling...panic. You see, as a domestic violence survivor any setting in which I had to open up and share the things that broke me caused anxiety and panic.
Domestic abuse is shrouded in secrecy. The complex world in which the victim lives is orchastrated by a code of silence. It's that silence that breeds the violence but it also serves as a survival mechanism for the victim, not a good one, but one that is instinctively practiced. Counseling shatters that survival instinct that they depend on to exist. They need to find the courage to break that silence for the healing to begin.
There are many forms of help available under the guise of counseling. I'm only able to talk about the ones that I experienced over the past few years on my journey of healing. What I found helpful might not be what another would, please understand that I'm not discrediting any person or method.
The first person I had interaction with was my Pastor. I found him extremely hard to talk with, but it was me not him. One of the ways that I was abused for years was with "Spiritual Abuse". My husband would scare me into submission by fire & brimstone punishment from God. At times he would threaten me with going to the Pastor to "tell on me". To open up about rape, physical and sexual abuse to a Pastor, and a man, was one of the hardest things that I had ever done. After a few minutes I would emotionally shut down, which really doesn't aid in a counseling session! My Pastor is a wonderful Christian man who more then anything wanted to help me, and even though more then anything I wanted and needed to open up, it just wasn't working.
After a few months of trying to help myself...which didn't go very well...I finally found the courage to go to a Woman's Crisis Center and speak to a female counselor there. That went a little better and I was able to open up a little more with her. It was through her that I was diagnosed with PTSD and was given some good treatment options. She did refer me to a hospital psychiatrist, but that didn't go well. In a hospital setting which was on the Psych outpatient ward caused me terrible anxiety. I only went there once.
Do you want to know who helped me the most in those first few months? My best friend. She is not a Pastor, counselor or doctor of any kind, just a loving friend who would let me talk, rage, vent or cry as needed. She listened. I believe that sometimes people think they are not helping if they can't give you solutions to a problem. Truthfully more people need to learn how to just listen.
There were many times I needed to talk. I needed to be able to vocalize the terrible things that had been done to me. I wasn't looking for answers. I needed to purge my soul of the hell I had been forced to endure for years. I was frantic for a listening ear and loving heart. I also needed to be believed. One of the hardest things for a victim in breaking their silence is the overwhelming fear of not being believed. My friend couldn't give me clinical statistics or coping strategies...she gave me instead what I needed, a "sounding board" with a hug thrown in once in a while! When I had worked my way through this stage I found I was able to incorporate the suggestions of my Pastor and the counselor to greater success.
If you are a counselor, may I suggest that you allow the victim to just talk. It might take many sessions of listening to venting, raging and crying, but in so doing you are giving them a priceless gift. You are showing them through your actions that they have worth and value, something that abuse strips them of. You are telling them that what they say is important and deserves to be heard. Also let them know you believe them. My biggest fear was that no one would believe me. Of course being able to point them to the greatest Healer of broken hearts and souls, the Lord, is the ultimate thing you can do for them. True and final healing can come only through the Great Physician.
Psalms 34:4 "I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."
Oh, Mr. Webster please add "listener" to your definition ~ thanks!
Lord, speak to me,
That I may speak in living echoes of Thy tone;
As Thou hast sought,
So let me seek Thy erring children lost and lone.
O teach me, Lord,
That I may teach the precious things Thou dost impart;
And wing my words,
That they may reach the hidden depths of many a heart.
O fill me with Thy fullness, Lord,
Until my very heart o'erflow;
In kindling thought and glowing word
Thy love to tell, Thy praise to show.
O use me, Lord, use even me,
Just as Thou wilt and when and where;
Until Thy blessed face I see,
Thy rest, Thy joy, Thy glory share.
Frances R. Havergal
thank you for sharing this Cindy. it is so true... that sometimes we just need someone to listen..... and is a priceless gift. what you wrote is just exactly how I felt and things I can identify with. YOU are so inspiring to me !!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Stacie, you've been so encouraging to me these past few months! God bless you as we thrive together :)
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